Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Break-Up. No not the shitty movie. For real!



Shit movie. True story. (PS Vince Vaughn, I'd hit that) 

I'm going to do a completely honest post here so please, be kind. I'm in a place right now that could be described as "emotionally unstable" to put it very mildly. Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. Nothing untoward happened and we still love each other, we sadly just grew apart and it's time to go our separate ways. We own a house together so we're working all that out now. At work, my contract had run out and for a while I didn't think I'd have a job. Two weeks until "OH FUCK" day, I found out that I will have said job for another two years. Still, with the emotional trauma of ending a relationship with someone who I really like and of having to move out, I've been, understandably, on edge. What about our cat? Where will my stuff go? What's going to happen? Of course, it's all slowly being sorted out but with my case of "undiagnosed" ADHD, this is insanity inducing.

I'm oddly OK, even though from the above it sounds as though walking into traffic is imminent. I'm excited about the idea of having no commitments. I've hated home ownership with almost the same hatred as I have towards people who don't indicate in traffic (but not quite that bad). The lure of the "great investment" was too much and of course we bought the house that was only JUST affordable. I've always been a real free spirit (unless you count the extreme OCD tendencies) so being tied to a mortgage and not being able to drink 8 espressos a day from the cafe near work depressed me greatly. I've felt extraordinarily trapped in what would be this hashtag on Twitter: #firstworldproblems. However, due to my ex being a truly wonderful human being who I am great friends with and, also, the fact that the housing market is quite good in our area despite the phantom GFC, I'll be debt free soon with some to spare. This is the first time in 12 years that I'll be in the black. A bit of a shame since red is a good color on me according to my Mom, but welcome nevertheless. 
Now, I'm finally free to pursue my passions, it's all a bit overwhelming. There are too many options! With the amount of job experience I have, there are many doors that are open to me (for which I am extraordinarily grateful, even to the evil people I've had to slave away for in the past). I've always wanted to volunteer in Africa, since I was very small, so maybe I could do that. L.A. is there if I wanted to aggressively pursue my radio/film critic career. I could move to Queensland or Sydney, Australia for the same reason. There are training opportunities with martial arts. A year in South Korea training under a master? YES PLEASE! I could stay where I am now for 2 years now thanks to my wonderful employer, and save a tidy amount of money now that I will have no real bills to speak of. I can't complain. I think of people who have nothing and no opportunities, even in rich Westernized countries, and it makes me humble and sad in the glow of all this luck and fortune.
If you can call a break-up serendipitous. In my case, I'm lucky because I was smart in choosing the person I spent the last 4 1/2 years with.  He's intelligent and extremely kind and I wouldn't be able to do any of this without him. It's ok to think of it as strange. I know I do. It's unusual to have a nice break-up, and to have one with someone you hold in high regard and count as a best friend, even when the relationship is over. Unfortunately there are very bad people in the world who do bad things to each other. I'd much rather have the "we've grown apart talk" than the "why did you cheat on me you scum" talk.
Despite me being so grown up about this, I'm still crying a lot. It's one of two things I dislike about being a female. (The other is men having more natural strength than women, even if we DO have a higher pain threshold. Unfair!) I mean, I see a duck walking to a pond and I suddenly cry out "That's so beautiful" and burst into tears so girly, it would make the color pink shudder. I have two jobs, and at the waitress one last weekend I cried because a customer was mean to me. This almost never happens. I have many years experience in the hospitality industry and I've learned how to deal with all types of ass-holes. This one was probably a level 3 or 4 on a scale out of 10. An 8+ I would understand and count tears acceptable. However, this was just ridiculous. Being an emotional basket case is NOT something I aspire to. 
It's not easy to feel displaced. To not have a home or a real plan when for 4 1/2 years your life was one way, and now it's all going to change. I'm not asking for sympathy. I know some people who've gone through awful divorces. One man I know had a marriage break up over a child that had died from a terminal illness. I can't begin to imagine that type of horror, and I'm very thankful for my current situation. 
So if you follow me on twitter or facebook and you've wondered why my tweets err more on the side of dark than light, this could be the reason. Total life chaos that is somewhat contained and both terrifying and exciting.
Thanks for sticking around to read my blog. Despite my penchant for swears, my hatred for George Lucas (and Bush) and my questionable tastes in film, you've all stuck by me. You've followed this blog, commented on my stories, talked to me on twitter and have been one of the most reliable lifelines I could hope for. I can't thank you enough. If I lose my home, my self esteem, my income or my dignity, I know that you will all be there following along in solidarity. For this reason, and not for numbers or accolades, I continue to blog and tweet and podcast for no income or tangible rewards. For this reason, I keep going. It's all thanks to you, and my words could never do that justice. 
A million times, thank you. 

9 comments:

@fezmay said...

I nearly cried :(

I hope you're okay - you sound like you'll be fine.

Jen said...

Really? I never intended to make anyone sad! I just needed to get it out. thanks for the sentiment. I'll be fine in time. :)

Steve said...

You have successfully created an emotional state where I feel like I need to say something, but feel like anything I say is useless lol. You're totally fine, but at the same time you've gone through emotional hell. I suppose all I can say is that I look forward to seeing you come out on the other side. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

That was a really honest and touching post Jenni. If you want to have a chat or anything let me know. I'm sorry I haven't seen you in a while. Nicole and I were thinking of re-watching the Nightmare on Elm Street movies soon - Maybe we could watch them together? :) - Steph

Don said...

Jen you are the best! Thanks for sharing & I can relate to the OCD! LOL. You will do fine. I can just tell that you are a strong lady & you will have a fun time with whatever you choose. But if you leave AUS then let Val & I know so we can visit you where ever you go. This post is amazing!

Anamnesis said...

Hello Jen,

I hope everything works out for you, thank you for sharing such a personal moment, and I am sure that if there is anything you need help with, we, your avid blogger fans would be more than happy to oblige in anyway we can.

Best wishes,

Steven

Jen said...

And these comments are again the reason I'm here. Thanks so much to all of you!

Jonathan Fisher said...

You're a doll, Jen. So sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out. Even a good break-up is a bad break-up.

Don't leave Australia yet. I want you on my podcast at least once before you go.

Hugh Langley said...

Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear this news but I admire how open you have been about it.
I hope you will continue to pursue your love for film journalism whatever happens, even if only periphery. Always chase what you love.

I hope you're doing ok, and I know, being the strong figure you are, you'll be pulling through :)

P.s. Stripes is awesome