Somehow, after briefly wondering if my credit card debt could handle the beautiful green dress from Atonement which is being auctioned for charity, I came across a blurb which led to links which were all dedicated to the memory and personal feelings members of the media had for Heath Ledger. It's completely sobering and at the same time decadent, to sit and read each detached yet emotional memoir.
They all sounded a lot, and nothing, like my own.
I still get choked up when I read them, like I'm reading the obits of a close friend. These little testimonials to someone who meant so much to so many, yet we didn't really know until it was too late.
We didn't know him, well most of us any way, and those who had the pleasure of meeting him, interviewing him or working with him I'm sure have their own special heartache too. His closest friends and family are feeling the impact worse of all...and my heart truly goes out to them, even breaks a little.
When Heath Ledger died, it was like an earthquake with him as the epicentre...and I'm in the wasteland that was left on the edges, with the rest of us disconnected who saw him on television or at the cinema, who read about his life or looked at pictures of him and didn't even know how much this was going to sting. We didn't know that someone, a stranger so far away, humble and even a little grumpy at times, could do this to us.
I'm still always going to wonder what movies he could have made, and repeatedly watch my favourites... A Knight's Tale, Two Hands, Brokeback Mountain and (I'm sure) the Dark Knight. I'm still going to get that strangled feeling when he first pops on screen with his sparkling dark eyes or cheeky grin.
I'm writing this now because it's time for me to stop reading all the beautiful things people have written, and stop watching the films over and over, and stop trying to deny that it has happened, and he is gone. I'm writing this to say goodbye mate, for now, but not forever.