Thursday, May 22, 2008

REVIEW: Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull


Get back Lucas, I mean it!

SPOILER ALERT: This review will be posted as invisible to avoid spoiling it for fellow movie goers. Just highlight (CONTROL +A) below to read if you've already seen the movie. There is some adult content in this blog so probably best for 16+.

---> So, May 22nd finally arrived. The day when Indiana Jones, yes THE Indiana, finally returned to the big screen. If you're primo media or lucky you've seen it already so you probably know what's coming. Where do I begin? How about with the good. It always cushions the blow for the bad...or extremely fucking terrible and disappointing.

There were glimpses of the old magic here, the warehouse bit, the section in the jungle, Shia (of course) and Marion. There was the hat, the geeky references "I have a bad feeling about this" and the snake (which was actually visible rubber at some stages). That was all tops.


Now let's talk about the rest. The totally unnecessary CGI prairie dog for starters, or how about the nuclear bomb + following spook scene which really had nothing to do with anything. The uniforms/costumes all looked brand new with the exception of Indy's jacket and hat. The old photos of Indy's Dad and buddy were not even aged. I could do better work in Photoshop, and so could most 15 year old kids with a pirated copy at home. There were perhaps too many characters, including more CGI animals than you can poke a virtual stick at (they aren't extinct YET). I get the nods to 50's cinema, sci-fi, Tarzan, etc. Yet, ALIENS??? REALLY?


I have a great book called "The World Almanac Book of the Strange". I used to secretly steal it from my Dad's room on weekends when I'd stay with him at my Granny's house. I'd read it with a flashlight under the covers or even under the bed. I was always fascinated with the story of the crystal skulls. When I heard Indiana was off to find one or all of them, I paired the first 3 Indy films with that old paperback and I had a grand old story mapped out in my head. I mean, not only was one of my favorite creepy real-life relics finally being examined on the big screen, but the man who got me interested in all that stuff in the first place was really going to find it.
Instead, I got fucking aliens. In fact, there were so many annoying or unnecessary inclusions in Indy IV that my fellow movie buffs and I bitched about them for an hour afterwards then played a game called "_____ was better than Indy IV because...". (Trading Places may have been one of them)

I hate myself for not loving this movie, but I hate George Lucas even more. He rejected what was a possible awesome script from Frank Darabont for this loonie "non-Indy" adventure. They could have picked Atlantis, Egypt, ANYTHING. They went with....aliens. The laugh out loud ridiculous special effects were clearly Lucas influenced as well. It appears he wasn't content with raping Star Wars and ruining that...now he has to pick on Indy.


Thankfully Shia LaBeouf proved to be a shining diamond in a pile of shit. His acting, movements, etc were all totally in character. He was believable and able to (amazingly) work with what he had. I also enjoyed the performance from Marion Ravenwood herself (Karen Allen) although she and her firey temper were WAY underused. I enjoyed the fact she looked aged, but perhaps a bit more than Mr.Ford, who "lost" Indy several times during the film.
I would say about 3/10 of Indy IV was actually reminiscent of the previous films. This was just a mess, a sad puddle of puke with bits of last nights corn still visible.

Shia LaBeouf will dust the crap off his boots to star in what looks like Jason Bourne on crack... Eagle Eye. I saw the trailer for it before Indy and I honestly wish I had watched that movie instead.


I know this is a SCATHING review for Indiana Jones and some people might think I'm being too harsh but you know what? I feel like I dropped my lollipop and now it's got dirt, hair and lint on it. A lollipop I'd been saving for 19 years, in a locked box, to bring out at that very special moment.


Damn you George Lucas. Did you hypnotize the others? Did you? I'll find out and one day you'll be sorry, mark my words! Go back to Skywalker Ranch and eat yourself to death so the next installment of Indy might actual BE an Indiana Jones picture.


JENNI SMASHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go see Iron Man again and wait for Indy to come out on DVD, or television, then ignore it. No, watch it for Shia. Poor kid. I give this film 2 stars, one for him and one for the flashes of the Jones of old that kept me from not walking out. (I may write a more coherent review when I've calmed down, but probably not)
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3 comments:

Rachey B said...

your review was better than indy 4, loved the lollipop analogy.

and agree with all, but would have given 1 out of 5 and ripped Cate a new one.

Tim Martain said...

Bec Fitzgibbon just directed me to your blog. After reading this review, I've decided you are now my favourite critic :P

So when do we all get together and waterboard Lucas? *heh*

Jen Reviews Movies said...

haha I know this was a bit harsh, but hey it's technically a diary so I just write what I'm feeling at the time. I really hated that film but I definitely don't wish George Lucas would die! Just stop making films!!!